All good things….

Go ahead, finish the sentence.

And then ponder for a moment. It’s OK, I’ll be over here, out of the dating pool, dried off, and in my happy place.

I live there now.

Yes boys and girls I’ve deleted the dating profile completely.

When last we left my little online dating blog adventures I had started seeing Yukon Cornelius. After a postponed first date, courtesy of his broken ankle, we finally got to meet, and get to know each other. As I said in a previous posting, the first time we met my knees went weak, and apparently I had the same effect on him. We still have that effect on each other and it’s just an absolute joy.

Brave man that he is, he’s now met my entire family, almost mowed down my parents mail box with my car, introduced my brother in law to moonshine, played Wii Dance with my sister (it was like watching Tinkerbell dance with Sasquatch), survived several of my youngest childs autism related meltdowns, endured the 3rd degree from my mother, and traveled to NY for the holidays. Through all of this we’ve laughed, talked, shared our hopes and dreams, discussed what we want our lives to be, and fallen completely in love.

When Geronimo graciously decided to take a step back he told me that it was because he felt that I thought Yukon might be “The One”. I didn’t realize it at the time, but he was right.

What we have is everything I’ve ever wanted in a relationship, and I say a little prayer of thanks every day that we found each other. We’ve both got some baggage, that much is a given. You don’t get to be in your mid forties without picking up some luggage along the way. Fortunately our luggage matches, and believe me, I’m fully aware of how rare that is, and how lucky we both are.

I’ve had a lot of fun in my online dating adventures. I’ve met some…hmm…interesting characters, read some truly terrifying dating profiles, and had the chance to actually meet a couple of really nice gentlemen. When I began this little journey I wasn’t sure where it would lead. I thought maybe I’d have some fun, meet some nice people, and have some funny stories to share.

I’ve gotten so much more than I ever hoped for out of this.

As an extra added bonus – A guest posting!

Tonight, since you’ve all been such patient, well behaved little kiddies, I have an extra added treat for you! The following is a guest posting from a friend who’s just re-entered the dating pool.

And that’s all the context you need, since she does a wonderful job of telling her own story!

I’m hoping to have more guest postings coming up soon – if any of you are interested in sharing some of your dating adventures let me know!

Mid-twenties Break up And Date On: A Question of Etiquette and Myth

We have our unspoken girl codes and guy codes, but there’s no rule book here. However, I’d imagine by the time a man is nearing thirty he’d have some sort of inner voice that would tell him: “Stop acting a’douche bag or you’ll end up in the hospital one night after you try to hump your beer can.”

MMMMMMMM BEEEERRRR.

My two year relationship ended a little over a month ago. How did he do it? It was a combination of pre-text break up and an “it’s not you, it’s me” speech. You know, the classics.

A pre-break-up text is a break up but with a verbal confirmation in person. “Can we sit and talk later i just dont feel happy any more things dont feel like they click with us anymore…”

There’s the obvious break down, but however tactless it is the pre-break-up text allows you to prepare yourself, kind of like the few seconds before the judge sentences a criminal to death. It affords the texter a bit of distance: [A] the coward doesn’t have to see your face, [B] the coward can’t talk himself/herself out if it, [C] the coward may do better with typing, if s/he can spell at all.

It’s almost (not really) the equivalent of the letter on the bed and the absent partner. It’s more awkward. It’s less personal, which reinforces the verbal confirmation break up: “It’s not you, it’s me.” His version of this speech was: “I want to travel the world. I can’t do that with attachments. Etcetera.”

I can respect that. I want to travel the world. I want to go to graduate school. I don’t want to pop out 2.5 kids for you while you paint the fence white. Our dreams are wisps. Our future is immersed in a thick fog and you can only see your hand in front of your face. Understood. What I liked about my previous relationship is the sense of freedom for the future of the relationship: We would choose to marry or just live out life together without the piece of paper. We could choose to have children. We could still pursue each of our dreams. Awesome. Minus the impending fear that your partner in crime is going to murder that gorgeous sense of self you have, annihilate your freedom.

Only, he didn’t like growth. In the tradition of being a woman, being vocal, here’s my take: He turned chicken. His dreams are so big that he will restrict himself to his shoe box of choice. Exhibit A: Broke off relationship. Exhibit B: Started smoking and doing all the things he said that he wouldn’t do anymore so he could be a healthier man and pursue his dreams. Exhibit C: Distraction. Zipping from point A to B so that he doesn’t have to see the fog. That scary, dreary gray of life.

So now I am broken by the little things: Not being able to sneak and hear the floorboard creak beneath my feet as I crawl in bed beside him and try to be close, feel his arms wrap around me tight, reassurance that I am safe, trust that I am loved. It’s the one thing that weakens us all…. It’s not a weakness. It’s just a need. That my “faults” are the truest perfections. That my unique expression of humanity is beautiful. And, it is. It is. I remind myself of that, and though I hurt, I’m really OKAY.

I look around and I see everyone popping out the 2.5 kids, getting married, etcetera, and that’s great for them. I am happy for them. I think the important thing that each of us need to work with in these situations is: Awareness. Be aware of yourself and where you are. It’s okay if you’re indecisive. Humanity is a writhing mass of indecisiveness.

So, for the first time I started an OK Cupid account. No one asked to see my boobies. Yet.

(*) (*)

That’s for you, folks.

I’ve came across some interesting greetings, like mini, hilarious elevator pitches in PM format.

They illustrate that they’re different from the “show me yer boobies” men:

1 Hello ma’am. How are you?
2 Hi…my name is…
3 How was your weekend?
4 You’re pretty. I like cake and my dog, Bob. He’s my best friend.
5 (Haven’t gotten anything about cake. Yet.)

The 93% Pitch: 93% is pretty good…if you believe it means something, although I’ve found people under 80% to be grossly incompatible. Oh, wait! I was supposed to have a “gurl u iz hawt” overture or something equally classy. I’ll deliver next time!

They try to scare you in advance: Boo! (The softest core scare possible. Others, they tell you how their life is royally screwed and they want to screw you, too. Congrats.)

So, including all of the above, they mention how much land they have, or that they’ve got a rich, stable job, or big boobies:

Sooo, I’m not going to be cheesy/lame like most other guys and call you hot, sexy, etc. I’ll just say you seem prettyyyyy interesting. I’m a doctor around Winston Salem and there’s never a dull moment with me. Hope to hear back…you won’t regret it. Pinky promise

The pinky promise and winky face did appeal to my childlike nature and so we started picking on each other. I nicknamed him Dr. Fancy Ass because we both had so much in common, such as sitting on our relative asses chatting on an online dating site. So, yes, a supposed doctor, at least of fancy buttocks, with a quirky sense of humor. I have to admit that one intrigued me.

I did go on a date to test the waters of the dating market and to judge where I was emotionally. After all, both of the sexes are so good at suppressing emotions we never know what we’re keeping from ourselves. Just a nice girl and a nice guy testing the waters.

Shortly after my break up with my ex, a few weeks in the process of moving out, I found a piece of paper the dog had destroyed: a girl’s phone number. The name happened to catch my eye. And I cried. I am OKAY, but my armor doesn’t deflect everything. I was AWARE that I was hurt. It wondered if it was new, or was something going on with this girl behind my back? Why destroy something we both believed in, or was it that we wanted to make-believe because it was safe? I don’t know. I embrace the fog and move through the gray.

If you need me I’ll be over at the snack bar

As I said in my last post I’m officially out of the pool.

Yup, I’ve dried myself off, and have moved away from the edge.

In other words kiddies I’m spoken for.

Yukon has turned out to be absolutely wonderful, so much so that I’m kicking myself for not calling him back 6 months ago, because if I had, we could have had that time together! But I do believe that our lives unfold as they’re meant to, and that being the case then this is when we were meant to come into each others lives. I’m so happy that we did – he’s warm, sweet, funny, and really caring and decent. The more I get to know him the more impressed I am with the kind of man he is – they don’t really make guys like this any more. He’s the guy they meant when they came up with the phrase A Good Man. (and who the hell are “they” anyway? Is there some double secret committee somewhere? These are things I wonder about late at night after too many glasses of red wine.)

So you’re probably wondering about the outfit. How did it look? Did it have the desired effect? Was he weak in the knees?

The answers are 1) SMOKIN hot – black knee length skirt, 3″ heels, white blouse with a pretty black lacy thing under it, hair down and curly. Sexy but not slutty. 2) Oh hell yes…and 3) We both were.

Starting this whole relationship over the phone was a risky thing. You can have great conversations with someone, then meet them in person and find out that there’s ZERO chemistry physically. They may be smart and funny, and you may have a wonderful time talking, and then when you see them….phfffzzzt.

Nothing.

No spark, no butterflies, just an “Oh, ok, that’s what they look like…hmm.”

So I was understandably more than a little nervous about seeing him. And he was feeling the same thing.

Then he pulled into the driveway and got out of the truck, and we finally got to see each other face to face.

Hell, you could have sold tickets for the fireworks display that went off at that moment. Seriously, we could have put the entire Grucci family out of business right then and there. (If you don’t get that reference you need to Google Grucci Fireworks. Do it now. I’ll wait.)

So how did the rest of the weekend go? (You’re asking yourself as you’re waiting for juicy, salacious, naughty details)

Let’s just say we never made it to the show we’d planned to go see that night.

I told you the outfit had the desired effect.

Since then we’ve spent as much time as we can together – no small challenge given both of our work schedules the 40 minute drive, and the fact that I have my younger son with me every other week. But we both know that we’ve got something special here, and so we’re putting the effort in to spending time together because it matters to us. And when we can’t see each other we talk.

A LOT. About everything, and nothing, and all the things in between.

And I’m enjoying every moment.

Advice from the lifeguard chair

Since I’m out of the dating pool I requested that some of my friends share their stories with me. The very first person to respond is a dear friend who has been married for over 20 years.

Now – this IS a blog about dating, but after reading what he wrote I think it’s very sage advice, and so I’m sharing it with all of you.

Enjoy!

I’m not sure if I qualify for this, as I have been out of the dating pool for 20 plus years married to my best friend. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that women need special care and attention, much like the beautiful and delicate rose. Also much like the rose, you can get stabbed and bleed if you handle her the wrong way.

One most important detail to me in dating is that you never stop dating your mate. There never is an expiration date to your love and affection for her. She needs to be reminded that she is indeed attractive and desirable. Those days that she has had a bad hair/broken nail/time of the month/and flat tire incident, the simple card, favorite flower, phone call to hear her voice or a treat of her favorite beverage can have “earth moving” results for the well-intentioned man.

It’s not meant to always be ulterior. Wouldn’t we all love a daily cuddle or afternoon delight as it were? Put a little money in the bank of love by taking your date out just to look at her while she’s eating Lo mein. Enjoy a not-so-favorite chick flick for the opportunity to have your shoulder to cry on. (Make sure you have a real handkerchief too. That’ll really earn some points.) By the way, the chick flick has “chicks” in it. Win, win!!

I boil it all down to this, a wise man is one who never forgets his woman is a treasure worth seeking after and worth adding to.

Thanks Mr Lifeguard!

Please accept this lovely consolation prize, and a years supply or Rice A Roni

Several of my lovely friends and blog followers have expressed some disappointment at the fact that I’ve pulled my dating profile. Not because I’ve met someone, they’re all very happy for me in that respect, but because they’re afraid it’ll mean an end to the dating blog.

Since I love my friends (and my small but enthusiastic group of readers), I’m recycling a post from my old blog Suburban Chicken. If you haven’t read it, it’s new to you!

Sunday, February 5, 2012
The art of online dating negotiations
If you read my last post (and of course you did, I have a small but loyal following and I love you all for that), you’re aware that I’ve plunged into the online dating pool, which would benefit greatly from a few lifeguards and a generous dose of chlorine.

It’s been an interesting experience to say the very least. Good GOD there’s a LOT of scary single men out there! I was checking my e-mail today, and got a notice that I’d received a new message, so, curious girl that i am, I checked it.

And here it is: “After looking at many profiles here. I have surmised that you would make the perfect girlfriend for me. When are you available to start a relationship? Please get back to me quickly. We must take advantage of this glorious opportunity as quickly as possible.”

I’ve been puzzling over how one should respond to such a message, and I think I’ve finally formulated a suitable answer:

Dear __________:

Thank you kindly for your interest in my profile. I’m honored to know that I’ve managed to meet the exacting standards set by a gentleman of the caliber found on a free online dating site.

Before I can agree to seize this “glorious opportunity” I’m afraid I’ll need a bit of clarification of the terms under which I’d be entering into an agreement.

1) Your use of the term relationship is a bit vague, would this be a mutually exclusive partnership, or would I be free to entertain counter offers? Should the opportunity to freelance present itself would I be prevented from doing so by a monogamy agreement of some sort? Would you be willing to be bound by the same terms?

2) The term “perfect girlfriend” is also in need of some refinement. My definition of the “perfect boyfriend” is as follows: 4 star chef with a masters degree in special education and a deep abiding (but not creepy) love of children with autism, possessed of housecleaning talents that would make Martha Stewart orgasm, the ability to say my thighs look like a 17 year olds (without the slightest trace of irony), and able to turn into a cheeseburger and chocolate malted after mind blowing sex (without asking me to make him a sandwich first). I’m sure you have similar such expectations of the “perfect girlfriend”, you’ll need to be able to clearly define those expectations for me.

3) What specifically do you mean by “glorious opportunity”? The chance to purchase a metal detector at a reduced rate is a glorious opportunity, yet comes with no guarantee that one will stumble across a trove of ancient pirate plunder thereby ensuring complete lifelong financial independence. Are you offering stock options? A 401K? Overtime for doing your laundry? I’m afraid I’ll need a bit more information first.

Thank you again for your interest, I look forward to your clarification of terms.

Previously…in The Dating Pool…

Yes, it’s been a wee bit since I’ve posted. And there’s a reason for that my dearies.

I’ve hidden my dating profile.

(Horrified gasps of shock and dismay from the crowd…)

No, darlings, this is a good thing. Actually it’s a wonderful thing.

When last we left off I was in the midst of a dilemma – I’d had 2 very nice dates with Geronimo, and had reconnected with Yukon Cornelius. Things with Geronimo appeared to be in a holding pattern, no further plans had been made, and the majority of our contact was through occasional text messages. Yukon and I were having some fantastic conversations and had made plans to meet up for dinner.

All caught up now?

So – Yukon and I had dinner plans. I got home from work, fussed and primped and got all girly, and went to the restaurant to meet him. And waited.

And waited.

And finally headed home thinking I’d been stood up.

I sent him a message (ok, let’s be totally honest here, I sent him a FEW messages along with a voice mail or 2) saying that I was having a hard time reconciling the really decent, funny, very sweet guy who’d held on to my phone number for more than 5 months with someone who’d stand me up for a date.

He called later that evening to let me know he’d just gotten back from the ER and had broken his ankle earlier that day.

Wshew! And OUCH!

I hate that he broke his ankle, but it was really great to know that he wasn’t a jerk that would stand a woman up! In fact he’s about as far from a jerk as you can get, so much so that neither one of us has been active on the dating site, because we want to focus on what’s going on between us. Which so far is something really wonderful. So far we’ve been limited to phone contact (it’s kinda hard to plan an evening together when one of you is on pain meds and crutches and you live 40 min apart), but we’ve got a date planned for Saturday that nothing short of an asteroid strike is going to stop.

I can honestly say I’m more excited about this date than I’ve been about any of the other ones I’ve been on so far, for several reasons.

First reason – who he is, which so far, is some one pretty spectacular. I’m a strong woman, in many ways, and it takes a strong man to be able to match that. Based on what I know so far, he’s no wuss, he’s solid and stable and decent. As well as kind, funny and very grounded.

Second Reason – extended phone contact is actually a REALLY good thing. We’ve had a good chunk of time to just talk, swap stories, and actually connect. It’s so easy for people to maintain contact by text message, but a few words on a screen and some emoticons don’t really tell you anything about who someone is or where they come from. For that you need to actually TALK to each other kiddies – you know – that thing that phones used to be used for before they all had QWERTY keyboards?

Third reason – I just can’t wait to what he looks like when he smiles!

So where does that leave things with Geronimo? Well, he actually read my last blog posting, we talked, and he said that he got the sense that there were real sparks between Yukon and I, so he was going to bow out. He wished me well, and I wished him the same and I truly meant it. He’s a very sweet guy, and I hope he finds someone who will treat him wonderfully, As for me, I’m getting a very strong feeling that I’ve already found that.

Now – I’m sure you’re wondering where this leaves my little blogging adventure. Well don’t you fret my dears – I’ve actually asked a few friends who are also currently in the dating pool to share some of their stories with me, and I’ll be posting them hear as guest posts. If any of you have stories to share, please leave me a comment, and I’ll get in touch with you about doing a guest posting as well!

And now I need to start planning a truly spectacular outfit for Saturday.

Is it wrong to want to leave someone with a broken ankle weak in the knees?

Dinner dates, reconnections and other oddities.

Hello kiddies!

It’s been an interesting couple of laps around the dating pool this week – Hide and Seek seems to have hidden for good, I’ve received a couple of messages from someone who looks suspiciously like Ice Cube (which I haven’t responded to – it’s the whole To, Two, Too thing again, I just can’t do it) and 3 guys who look old enough to be my grandfather have decided that I’m a sexy lady who should go out with them (Hells Nos!) so in order to keep my poor muddled, sleep deprived brain from bursting into flames (more on the sleep deprivation in a bit), I’m going to tackle things chronologically.

Sunday Evening – Dinner Date! I had a dinner date with Geronimo – we went to a very nice local restaurant, I trusted him to order for me, and he did not disappoint! Dinner was very nice, as was the wine and the conversation. He’s an interesting guy, he’s got a really great, dry sense of humor, and I enjoy talking to and listening to him. We made some vague plans to see each other again, but as of right now nothings been firmed up (get your brains out of the gutter people, I’m talking about another date!), so we’ll see where things go from here. I’m going to leave it to him to sett up any further plans, for 2 reasons – 1) If you’re genuinely interested in someone you make the effort to spend time together. I’ve let him know what my schedule is like this week, now it’s on him to make the effort. And 2) I spend my entire day making decisions for, and being asked questions by others – my patients, my co-workers, my kid. As much of a control freak as I have to be on a daily basis (and as I am just by nature), I think I’m going to hand the reins over on this one, and see if he steps up.

I know, that probably sounds suspiciously like game playing, which is something I loathe, but it’s really not. For too much of my life I’ve been put in a position of having no choice but to take control of everything around me, because if I don’t, things don’t get done. In terms of relationships that tactic hasn’t worked very well, so I’m making a conscious decision to try something different.

Monday – Yukon Cornelius and the Re-connection! If you’ll remember from my first posting (and if you don’t then you need to scroll back a few pages and read it – c’mon, there’s some funny stuff in there) I mentioned that I was in a relationship for about 5 months – well just before that relationship kicked in I’d been talking to someone on the dating site – a big, burly guy with a striking resemblance to Yukon Cornelius (if you don’t get the reference you’re too young to be reading this blog.). We’d exchanged numbers, but we hadn’t spoken on the phone yet. Because of a combination of life stuff, and starting the Charlotte guy relationship, things with this guy never went past a few messages and a very sweet voice mail from him.

When I first got back on the dating site I sent him a message – amazingly he actually still had my number, so we talked – for 2 1/2 hours! It was hands down one of the best conversations I’ve ever had – Yukon is a VERY funny guy, at one point I was laughing so hard I had tears streaming down my face. He’s also very sweet, smart and generally good people. We had another long, really good, really in depth conversation last night – both conversations lasted till almost 1am, which is why I’m sleep deprived!

Totally worth every yawn.

We don’t have any plans set yet, but I’m hoping we’re able to make some soon, I’d really like to meet him in person. There’s something very endearing about the fact that he actually still had my number, and was willing to let me explain why I never called him back.

And lastly – guess who wandered back out of the woods? Yes folks, it’s our old friend Squishy! I checked the site yesterday and had a message from him in my mailbox.

Squishy – Hello there lady! Would you have time to meet this afternoon or tomorrow or thursday! I know crazy, JK. But I’m serious, very willing to meet.
S****

Me – Sorry S****, I just got this message, I was working all day.

I can meet you tomorrow or Thursday afternoon. Why don’t you pick someplace and either text or call me? If I don’t answer it’s because I’m with a patient, but if you leave a message I’ll call back.

I’m looking forward to meeting you (I’m still not entirely convinced you’re real, you have a tendency to vanish into the woods – I suspect you might be Bigfoot)

I may very well be right, as of right now he’s disappeared back into the mists.
And he can stay there, I’m too old for this shit.